Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for December, 2021

Addie back view (2)

Children are the true connoisseurs, what’s precious to them has no price just value.
(Bel Kaufman

 

Two-year-old Adeline takes my finger, not my hand. Her hands aren’t big enough yet. Her charisma is sunshine mid-summer style. Time to play. I am the only other kid available. My granddaughter doesn’t seem to care about the seventy-three-year age difference.

The make-believe electric surface of her toy stove would be on if the scene were real. A wooden cell phone lies on the right front burner. Adeline needs my help to get corn on the cob out of the coffee pot. Strange, I’ve never faced this problem in my own kitchen.

She pulls two t-shirts out of her drawer and puts one on her head and one on mine. The procession begins. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have enough vocabulary to explain the ritual. I do understand the end of the game when she takes both shirts, returns them to the drawer and says, “all done.”

I don’t understand much of what my youngest grandchild says. I do comprehend her laughter, her enthusiasm, and her love. The slightest sound calls for a dance. Why walk when you can run? World ugliness hasn’t touched her yet. My son and daughter-in-law provide a place where love lives. She is blessed but doesn’t know it yet. I accept the warmth of her hand and revel in her innocence.

When my husband and I close the door and say goodbye, our little one cries. The reality of the outside world appears occasionally. When another child grabs one of her toys. When sickness appears. When fun ends too soon.

We will come back. In person. In the flat space known as facetime. The fullness of reality will arrive slowly. Hatred, pain, destruction, are real. Yet, when I look into her eyes and savor her personality, I want her to be a fresh, simple toddler forever.

Not every child knows the blessings our granddaughter lives. I consider the outgrown clothing I have in a drawer and realize they need a home.

If only I could pull an infant shirt from a drawer, put it in a bag for a child who needs it and say, “all done.” In the meantime, I celebrate what I have, do what I can for somebody else, anyone else, and let time do what it will. Perhaps somehow, I will grow up, too, and understand the difference between peace and pieces.

 

 

Read Full Post »

Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.
(C.G. Jung)

Before wrapping paper becomes shredded wads of color in the recycling bin, I imagine who-I-am leaking into an empty box. The first gift is meant for me. It doesn’t need a tag. It needs sorting. Understanding. Not hard censure and not high praise. Acceptance perhaps. And a willingness to change what isn’t working.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Catch the moment and ignore the hype. Then send the message—peace and joy to all. Names on the presents. No labels on the greeting.

Read Full Post »

All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why. (James Thurber)

Time. I’ve tried to wrap it in boxes
tied it with ribbon, 
then attempted to 
bind an hour with duct tape.

I’ve balanced on one leg,
kicked through water
and pretened strength could be
my master over the inevitable.

Hurry through tasks, I say,
beat the clock, and then tell 
exhaustion it doesn’t exist.

This moment—I’ve claimed it,
but held on longer than night and day allows.

Perfection. It doesn’t exist.
The whole of being can’t be 
grasped, owned and hugged 
as if it were a teddy bear.

I smile at a stranger. She smiles back.
The moment is neither longer nor shorter.
And yet its presence feels stronger.

No eternal answers
and yet, we instead of I, 
a recognition of companionship
in a world that doesn't need 
to be one-hundred percent struggle, 
adds running-with instead of fighting-alone.



Read Full Post »

(photo of me sometime in grade school)

There is no way you should feel, there is only the way you feel. (Akiroq Brost)

Good and bad,
bad and good, 

right and wrong
the way of the church and the way of the doomed

fit into safe defined boxes when I went to school.
Black and white garbed nuns, rosary beads the size 
of dried lima beads attached to their waists like holy chains,

explained life. All these symbols 
spoke of heaven and hell,
with absolute certainty and no smiles.

My teacher sold eternity at fifty cents 
a Gregorian chant book.
I lost at least three one year,
then found another book the same size and gray color,

and faked the intonations with soft whispers,
never turning my head and exposing the lie.
Me, this girl who couldn’t keep track of anything.

I did well enough when asked to reach for something in the clouds.
Yet tripped-over shadows on the ground,
a stranger on the practical path where everyone else lived.

The shy girl, the different girl,
who secretly played Mozart on old 78’s,
or hummed arias or show tunes

while the other kids screamed over Elvis.
I could never understand how hound dogs plus hips equaled ecstasy.
Already good and bad wouldn’t stay defined within the lines I’d learned.

One path for everything; who should decide?
One path for music or sexuality.
One path for heaven or hell or happiness.

I suspected that myopia led nowhere, 
made the course narrow, constrictive, dull, unthinking.
It bound the spirit.

Even now, any unsolicited advice after, you should,
slips away from me, garbled, unheard.
No. Look into my eyes and see who I am.

I promise to do the same for you.
Perhaps together we can find
 a new truth.

Read Full Post »