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Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

The Typewriter

Technology was not part of the everyday world in the 1950s and 1960s. Our phone was attached to the wall. We had a party line. No celebration was involved. Several people shared the same line.


If you wanted to make a call, and someone else was busy discussing how terrible a neighbor looked with hair the color of an orange cat, you could interrupt or wait. Neither was a good choice.


When I needed to write a school paper, I went to the library and rummaged through the card catalogue. One row of drawers next to another. If the subject wasn’t boring, this task was!

The librarian found the research book I needed via the information on the card. Then I copied what I needed along with the reference onto my notebook.


Sometimes, the material was available in the World Book Encyclopedia. Our family bought a set from a door-to-door salesman. The series contained anything you wanted to know about aardvarks to zippers, provided you didn’t need in-depth information.


Typing the final result made Atlas’s job of carrying the Earth appear easy. I started with a manual typewriter. A sheet of carbon paper was placed between the original and the copy. Since the backspace didn’t provide an eraser, either the entire page needed to be retyped or the error needed to be covered with a white blob cover-up.


Erasable paper eventually came onto the scene. However, it smudged. And, of course, the biggest mistakes appeared at the bottom of the page. I didn’t keep track of the time needed to complete one five-page assignment. On my father’s Royal typewriter. In a basement corner.


It was a royal pain. The advantage? Only one I can see. I sure learned discipline. And gratitude.
When the task was completed. Eventually.

.

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From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

Dr. Seuss

THE WORLD’S GREATEST WRITERS STORE

A new store just north of town, designed for writers, opened up this week. The size rivals IKEA, with rooms filled with every imaginable writing tool and solution, definitely at least a day trip. I needed to tie-up two subplots that had gotten kind of knotted. So, I set out to explore Writers Ultimate Solution.

            The first floor opens to grammar, punctuation, anything basic. The second caters to all aspects of non-fiction: science, nature, current affairs, blog advice, and cooking. It holds a full-service cafeteria. Just to make a writer feel at home, a dietician sits next to the cashier and hands out rejection slips to those folk whose trays lack adequate nutrition.

            The third floor is the poet’s friend. In fact, on the day I arrived, WUS had a three-metaphors-for-the-price-of-two sale, going on. Unfortunately, as it often is with sale items, two lines would fit, but add the third and it sounded like something out of a 1960s Beatnik coffee house. I guess I could use the lines in three different poems, but I didn’t want the cashier to think I was on drugs.

            The fourth floor, the most crowded, specialized in fiction, just the section I wanted. It also looked and felt more like a circus. Clowns somersaulted from room to room. The Red Pony dropped something of himself in the hallway. And Curious George kept trying to lead me to the children’s section. “Another day. Another day,” I told him. Guess there’s a good reason why he has been around since the 1940’s.  Signs in every room read: The fiction writer’s job is to entertain. The top level of WUS has been designed to stimulate your creativity. Instead, I got a migraine.

            A door at the end of one hallway read: Excuses. By this time, I thought it didn’t seem like such a bad idea. Fortunately, I looked inside before I took a step. A cold breeze provided the first hint; there was no inside. It led to a mud pit at least six feet below.

            “Our boss’s little joke,” an employee said when I backed into Moby Dick, not Ahab, the book’s main character. I was caught by the whale.

            I ended up buying three ballpoint pens, and a half dozen semi-colons that will only apply themselves in the best-suited places—and I got them at a double-markdown price. Interesting that items were marked down so soon after opening. Hope that’s not a bad sign. Maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t grab one of the dollar-mystery bags, probably full of adverbs. My story still sounds like it was written inside a blender. Guess I need more than a superstore.

Published in Piker Press 10/17/22    

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A smile is a facelift that’s in everyone’s price range! Tom Wilson

One Cowboy Hat

When my two sons were teenagers my husband’s brother owned a timeshare condo in Colorado. Occasionally, when my brother-in-law couldn’t get away from his medical practice, he let us use his space for his allotted time.

We pretended to be rich on our marked-down budget. The mountains didn’t care, and we had a blast celebrating their beauty. Of course, the souvenir shops offered limited possibilities.

Our boys checked out the cowboy hats. No way could they afford to purchase two. They pooled their cash and bought one.

The wearer of the hat called himself Tex. The young man who waited for his turn became Ass. Tex-as.

“Okay, Tex, I’m ready for a snack. Let’s check out the refrigerator,” my younger son announced.

“First syllable first, Ass.”

They both laughed. And the vacation continued.

public domain illustration

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dollhouse

“One of the hardest jobs in this world is to be able to preserve the innocent face of our childhood in our adulthood as well!”
Mehmet Murat ildan

“Let’s play in my room,” my four-year-old granddaughter says.

I’m accepted as another kid. A genuine compliment. My daughter-in-law smiles. Very few preschoolers have a playmate named Grandma.

I take the observation seat on the floor as our granddaughter begins a run with various dolls through the girls’ dollhouse. She includes a monster at least twice the size of several Barbies. Monster is given the part because her hair is twice her size. Something like a fuzzy hot-air balloon the color of a faded blue dishcloth.

“Ahhhhhhh!” our little girl yells. I suspect the drama is for my benefit.

I watch as each doll slides through the window. Enthusiasm complete.

I grab one of the team from the stack. It is wearing a short, semi-existent top. No pants.

“Uh, I think this Barbie needs some pants.”

“Oh, it’s okay she just wears a butt.” My playmate’s voice sounds matter-of-fact as she finds a fresh antagonist for her play. A rabbit taking on the role of a skunk. Is the show for me or is this a standard activity?

I face fairy tales with a twist.

“What’s wrong with your hands, Grandma?” my playmate asks as she studies the smooth back of her hands.

“Not a thing, sweetheart. It’s a thing called age.”

Oh, well! I guess I didn’t escape reality as thoroughly as I thought.

 

 

 

illustration made from public domain image

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road in the rain

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. (Steven Wright)

I wonder how many drivers have made road trips—without wondering what the…heck is that guy doing? One driver is traveling at NASCAR speed and another is moving twenty miles an hour in a fifty-plus zone.

When my younger son was about kindergarten age I turned onto a narrow road behind a woman, obviously elderly. Her shoulders sloped, and her head leaned over the steering wheel. She drove the center yellow line as if she were failing a sobriety test in slow motion.

When I reacted, my youngster responded, “Oh Mom, maybe she just has old-timer’s disease.

I don’t recall how I got around her, or when she turned onto another road. My son’s innocence, however, stays with me.

His simplicity didn’t nullify the lady as a roadway threat. It did help me get through the moment.

Years later, my middle granddaughter was in the car when a driver cut me off with half a foot to spare.

I gasped, but my granddaughter saved the moment again.

“Grandma, is that what’s called a jackass?”

“Bad driver,” I answered.

Unfortunately, not every accident is an almost. Signs above the highway note the statistics.

Today I am driving in the rain. Someone, male or female—it doesn’t matter—passes me on the left over the center line, misses an oncoming car by about a foot, and then repeats the favor with the next car.

Peace, I think. Not in pieces. Someday. Somehow.

(The above is an edited blog from five years ago.)

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stove multicolored

“May the Forks Be with You.”

Neologisms

A neologism is a created word. The following are cooking terms developed from writing while cooking, generally not a meal worth repeating.

speeel-over: a spill in the oven caught by the smoke alarm. The number of e’s is contingent upon the size of the spill and the amount of time it takes to get the smoke out of the kitchen.

eggsplodor:  eggs boiled until all water is evaporated and they explode, generally onto the ceiling and walls. The name is suggested by both sound and scent.

charcolate chip cookies: This one could be self-explanatory. Degrees range from ridge-only-dark to even-the-dog-won’t-sniff-it.

unrestirable sauce/gravy: any liquid kept on a stove long enough that a black, sticky residue develops on the bottom. If it takes longer than a week of soaking and more than two steel wool pads to clean the pot, it becomes compaste because of its similarity to compost and its amazing glue-like capabilities.

nuke-a-tray: a frozen microwave dinner, the only alternative if all five scenarios occur on the same day.

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Living on earth may be tough, but it includes a free ride around the sun every year. (Author unknown)

Nature’s Creations

A young boy clasps a crayon with his fist
and draws an oblong, orange sun
with long uneven spokes.
He scribbles a
blue-clouded sky.
His big brother points out
the real sky
with patterns his kindergarten
colors can’t imitate.
The boy wads his drawing into a ball
and throws it at his sibling.
Their mother grabs the crumpled paper.
She tells her sons
that nature creates superb designs.
But the sun is too hot
and too far away
to fit on their refrigerator.
Could the smaller child please try again.
And would Big Brother
please edit 
another artwork Nature has provided.
The lawn needs to be cut.




illustration made from colored paper, chalk, and colored pencil, with paper towel clouds

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This is my mug shot

“If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.”  Denise Simone Huffington Post

  

Goldilocks:  The Inside Story

 Dear Diary,

I tried to tell Mom. But you’re the only one who listens to me. Even the officers who came to our house to interview me about the break-in had already made up their minds about the incident. Mom burst into tears long before I got to the part about eating Baby Bear’s porridge.

            “Breaking and entering,” she wailed. “No one in our family has ever been fingerprinted.”

            “Except for your brother Phil when he lifted seventeen hams from the University refrigerator as a fraternity prank,” Dad said.

            Mom glared at him, and then went right on giving me a hard time. “The court was lenient. You will be nineteen before I let you out of your room again, young lady.”

            I was almost glad to close the door and open this book.

            Really. I’m not bad. I’m precocious. That’s a big word Dad uses because he’s a university professor. It means I’m comfortable practically anywhere. Mostly places that embarrass Mom half to death. Dad says I’m smart for ten, but Mom says I’m too smart for my britches, which doesn’t make sense since underwear doesn’t win intelligence awards. I tried to talk to Dad about it. All he said was to steer clear of Mom when she has that glazed-over look.

            But, as far as the three bears are concerned, the cottage door was slightly open. Open! All I meant to do was close it for them after I saw them leave. All the little critters of the forest could barge in: snakes, foxes, wasps, spiders. I mean, look at what a spider did to Little Miss Muffet down the street. Then this wonderful smell came to me, and I had to find out what it was.

            Then yesterday at breakfast Mom brought up the subject of my house arrest. Again. I tried to calm her. “I was trying to save the bears from harm. At first. But the smell of that sweetened porridge drew me inside as fast as fire to a struck match.”

            That’s when Mom really lost it and went on and on about how I should have eaten my onion, parsnip, and spinach omelet that morning, the one she had made so carefully from vegetables from the garden she tended all by herself. No help from anyone in this house.

            I glared at my plate of bland squash and tofu. “I’d rather eat live spiders.”

            Dad rolled his eyes. So, I knew I had to respond quickly before Mom exploded.

            “You don’t have to go to any trouble. I’ll have a bowl of chocolate and marshmallow puff cereal.”

            Dad got up and grabbed his briefcase. “I need to go to the University now. And, by the way, I’m taking a sabbatical. At the South Pole. To study single-cell life forms.”

            “But, Dear,” Mom whimpered.

            “Before I go, let me grab the newspaper article about Goldy. Maybe a box of that chocolate cereal.”

            It’s okay, Dear Diary. Dad came back. He said he could never leave me. But funny, he didn’t say one word about Mom.

(previously published in Piker Press)

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“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” ― Calvin Trillin

 A neologism is created language, part of one word attached to part of another. Words like obscene and horrid didn’t exist until Shakespeare put them together. Click the link to get a fuller story. I don’t know what sixteenth-century word parts created the new concepts. My grandchildren may think I am that old, but my birth certificate proves I arrived a few centuries later.

A neologism offers a perfect place for humor. The stage I chose for this entry is the kitchen. Since the process of word blending has been happening for centuries, I encourage readers to suggest a few. Who knows? Maybe in a dozen years, your new expression may become a favorite expression.

Speeelover: an oven spill caught by the smoke alarm. The number of E’s is contingent upon the size of the damage and the amount of time it takes to get the smoke out of the house.

Eggsploder: eggs boiled until all water is evaporated and the eggs explode onto the ceiling and walls.

Charcolit chip cookies: This one is self-explanatory. Degrees range from a scrapable black bottom tray to even the dog escaping the scene.

Unrestirable pudding: A dessert boiled on high heat with a black, sticky residue at the bottom.

Compaste: unrestirable pudding that has soaked for more than a week and resists more than two steel wool pads. The name comes from its similarity to compost and its exceptional glue-like capabilities.

Nukatray: a frozen microwave dinner. This is the only alternative when the above scenarios occur on the same day.      

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“Guard well your thoughts when alone and your words when accompanied.” 
― Roy T. Bennett

Thoughts, Cracked and Imperfect

small thoughts wander through small minds
the way grains of sand move inside a plastic water bucket

EXAGGERATED THOUGHTS CHARGE THROUGH INFLATED MINDS
WITH THE CLAMOR OF BLINDED DRIVERS SPEEDING THROUGH ORANGE BARRELS

DisJointed tHoughtS haZZard tHrough ScaTTered miNds
LiKE  a hUndrEd lOsinG lottery TicKets FloatinG in a fLoodeD STreaM.

Clear thoughts carry possibilities,
confined by human limitations.

small, EXAGGERATED, and DisJointed fraGmentS impoSe
upoN clariTy. 

May I keep my mouth shut
until clarity wins.

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