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Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

gun

“Why ban guns? Let’s give everyone rocket launchers! What could possibly go wrong?”
(Oliver Markus Malloy)

This past week on President’s Day my husband found an ad in his email, in honor of the holiday. A huge gun sale! He played out the scenario. And made the sale a special honor for Lincoln, Garfield, and Kennedy.”

Unfortunately, not everyone would catch the incongruity. Celebrating assassinations, murders, during a gun sale.

Who doesn’t need a Glock to safely visit the grocery store and the bank? Maybe there could be a problem with the bank. Even without a mask.

Many people feel lost without their cell phones. Perhaps the gun owner becomes anxious if he leaves his 44 on the bathroom floor before he leaves for the airport. I’ve never done a survey. I don’t plan to get close enough.

How can you tell the difference between the good killer and the bad killer? A double-yellow line on the main drag is meant to be a suggestion. Everyone knows that.

When you own a gun, you make the rules. We need more good guys making the rules.

Congruity. Con, meaning against. Grew, the past tense of growing. Yeah, right.

Peace and pieces. Everyone has an opinion.

Let’s celebrate the next holiday. With whoever is left on the planet.

 

illustration made from domain-free images, pastels, and cut paper.

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Getting lost is just another way of saying, “going exploring.” (Justina Chen Headley, North of Beautiful)

I should have said sayonara to this purse weeks ago. Right after I dumped its contents on a blacktop parking lot where there wasn’t enough light to guide an owl. No ring of keys anywhere. Or so it seemed. Then my son lifted the purse to my trunk and the back car lights flashed. The car key had to be inside. Halleluiah. But where?

 A hole in the bottom lining had swallowed my keys. The holes multiplied. They had also devoured some coupons, my watch, and the original key ring I swore had been buried somewhere between Pennsylvania and Rhode Island. I wrote about the loss. With certainty. One good possibility had been a sand dune. Vacationland, I apologize for blaming you.

How can an inorganic object develop kleptomania? Especially something I carry everywhere I go. It didn’t learn a thing about honesty from my experience. Like the time I went to the grocery for toothpaste and came home with six bags of everything else, or the time I had to admit the cherry pie was a no-go because I had used baking powder instead of cornstarch in the filling. The boil-over would have made an interesting science experience if it were an easier clean-up.

 I have been telling myself, I will cut through the rest of the leather and find enough cash to feed a city parking meter for an hour. Or maybe just a small cup of yogurt.

However, it would probably be best to simply say goodbye now. I have what I need. The purse served me well before its problems started. Wait, I found one more paper clip…

 

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Life does exist. It’s the purpose that counts. (Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut)

Me: What is wrong with you? Ten minutes ago, you turned bacon into the crisp treat my granddaughter loves. Now you have the power of a second-hand toy microwave, the kind with parts that aren’t made anymore.

Microwave: You really want to know.

Me: Yes, I really want to know. STAT. I have guests for brunch.

Microwave: STAT. That stands for Some Time After Therapy. Extensive treatment. You warmed that coffee long enough to mimic molten lava. Did you really think that would coax me into action? If I suddenly rose from the dead, whose tongue were you trying to burn?

Me: Okay. Okay. I was desperate. Wait a minute. You are dead?

Microwave: Not completely. You need to pull my plug.

Me: Literally.

Microwave: Yes. I’m an appliance. You don’t pay for my healthcare. Electricity was all I needed. And an occasional cleaning. I can deal with a garbage-pickup burial. I wish you warm leftovers with no spillovers. May my replacement last as long as I have.

Me: Your timing stinks, you know.

Microwave: And you think you will be planning your demise?

Me: You’re mighty clever for an appliance. No. I don’t think I will jump into a casket on purpose.

Microwave: Well, your son has taken over the stove. Quite well. He’s not staring at a dying appliance for help. Time to face facts, human. You are mighty lucky to have something like me. Gratitude? Yeah. For what you have. For what you can do. Your son is calling you now. Your meal is ready. Celebrate. I’ll wave at you from the curb on pickup day. Well, I’ll wave metaphorically.

And by the way, nothing is wrong with me. Not in the larger scheme of things. You don’t blame a battery for wearing out. Or a day from turning into night. I did what I was meant to do.

Now, you do the same.

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We lose many things simply out of fear of losing them. (Paulo Coelho)

Anthropomorphic. Yup, I admit it. In this short blog, my coffee cup understands every word I say. I’m too lost in my own overfull agenda to hear it.

“Holy grounds, I had that mug a second ago. Where the heck did it go?”

“Before you made stew in the crock-pot, checked your email, put in a load of wash, emptied the dishwasher…By the way, my contents are iceberg cold.”

I walk through the kitchen, living room, and dining room.

“That wasn’t a second ago.” The cup’s tone is as cold as the coffee.

“Come on. Where are you? I need to leave for art class in less than thirty minutes.”

“Try locked in the microwave. Put in your hearing aids. Follow the beeps. Please, lady. I’d open the door by myself, but your screaming would crack my surface. I’ve heard your descant. You strike a mighty high range.”

“Oh, there it is. Maybe if I heat it again, I’ll have time to drink at least half.”

“Then leave me with a dark ring around my middle. Gee thanks.”

“Now to get my shoes…Wait a minute! I know I took them off while I was on the couch.”

“Hah, hah,” says a black, old slip-on from just under the sofa. “I thought I would help us both out a bit, mug. She takes me for granted, too.”

Some of my things have a bizarre sense of humor.

 

 

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Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise. (Sigmund Freud)

“Hey, let’s take her shopping for Mother’s Day?” A suggestion made by a super-special, many-years-younger person.

My husband thinks it’s a great idea. We have the time. Rare.

I am not a shopper. I’m a get-what-is-needed-and-run kind of individual. However, since Jay is recovering from knee surgery, I figure we won’t have time for extensive searches. Point out something good enough and I’m fine.

After all, no one can tell Arthur Ritis to take a hike. For good. They can’t buy me a few extra years to change choices I made in the past or wash away memories. Time can’t be extended. Magic wands to heal the ills of my friends exist in unwritten fairy tales.

We arrive and I hold my breath. More clothes? Very few items come in chihuahua-length leg sizes. Moreover, department-store mirrors are entirely too honest. They exaggerate wrinkles and add inches to my waist. (I have a vivid imagination.)

“Purses!” my aware friend calls. She points out the worn corners in mine.

“Nothing to try on.” I smile.

She leads the way, asks a few questions and leads the way through the aisles.

“Buying a purse?” a customer asks. She hands me a coupon.

“Even better.” Mission accomplished.

“Next time you need a wallet.” My friend leads the way toward the mall where Jay waits.

Next time. Yes! I am grateful to take reality in small portions.

 

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Hahvey

Unconditional love is hard to compete with. (Abbi Glines)              

Greetings! My name is Hahvey, (Hah-VAY) official household greeter, master purr machine, and symbol for unconditional love.

Okay, I may slip in your way as you walk up the stairs. However, certain hazards occur when cats lead. Relax and love me back. I’m leading the way to your room for the night. Extra warmth provided as needed by orange fur. Your sister, my wonderful keeper-of-the-can-opener? Well, you already know how devoted she is.

You left your purse at the annual party, the fest with all the beautiful songs. The purse contained prized possessions, like your phone, and your sister turned around and drove through the ice and snow. A good four inches of it. Temperatures my beautiful fur won’t touch. Not when I could freeze my nose, tail, or valuable parts in between.

You appear puzzled. Unfortunately, feline and human languages don’t align perfectly. I have inflections in my meow; my body language is easy to read. You need words from a dictionary thicker than my litter box to communicate. You are busy with many things. Recognize the line?

Unwind. Spend some quality time with your only sister. Okay? My feline buddy, Oui, and I will keep your entertained. You know we can do it. You’ve seen pictures of our antics.

By the way, you already know Oui means yes in French. He’s a positive addition to our group of living, loving creatures here. Did you know Hahvey is a diminutive form of a Hebrew word, Ahavah? Ahavah means love. No surprise, huh?

Oh, by the way, one more scratch. Behind the left ear this time. Yeah, you caught my drift.

Happy New Year, Ahavah-style.

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Learn what is to be taken seriously and laugh at the rest. (Hermann Hesse)

At the bottom of the chocolate birthday cake recipe are directions for icing. They advise: frost while cake is still warm. Ah, how time saving! However, while I’m sure I followed the simple instructions, the results appear syrupy. The final product could be high-caloric lava, better suited for a junior high science project.

The time saver has now turned into a messy challenge. My white sweatshirt mimics a Tough Mudder competitor’s. Okay. Is there any way to save this stuff? I work quickly and add powdered sugar, then press the concoction into the top and sides of the cake with the same technique I would use if the icing were made of my grandkids’ clay.

I run out of frosting and don’t want to know how rich this cake is as I make icing of a close-enough color. Voila! The caloric contents of a candy store on one plate. However, divided among a dozen people it may be okay…nibbled…recognized as the dieter’s weekly intake. Provided the outside chocolate layer doesn’t fall off during slicing like shingles during a heavy storm.

In the meantime I learn to take myself less seriously and allow the spasms in my neck to relax despite the nuisance. I take a photo of my creation. It looks better than I expected. Happy birthday, Greg, Sarah, and Claire!

Peace to all, no matter what needs to be repaired. Or eventually discarded. Tomorrow begins another year. Happy New Year to all!

birthday cake

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I had the epiphany that laughter was light, and light was laughter, and that this was the secret of the universe. (Donna Tartt )

Sure, Kate and I should use the food processor to crush the cookies to make the truffles. But rolling them between two sheets of waxed paper turns the task into a game. And that is the purpose of our day—to spend time doing something fun.

Besides all I have is a recipe held precariously in my head. A superb baker, who owns two ovens, told me how to make the delicacies. Last week. I’m counting on my fallible memory.

Kate and I laugh as some of the crumbs escape across the table top. At least the cookies came from the organic section of the grocery. The mess contains fewer unnatural ingredients.

The final results taste fantastic, but won’t make the cover of any food magazine. We don’t take the time to make each ball even. And we run out of melted chocolate.

“Are you going to blog about this?” Kate asks.

“Why not?” I answer. Some of life’s most beautiful moments happen during mundane, messy, silly, and this-isn’t-the-way-it’s-supposed-to-happen experiences. Cookies-smashed-into-cream-cheese-and-scraped-off-with-the-blunt-edge-of-a-knife fit into that category.

As we work I think about how privileged I was to take Kate with me to find last-minute holiday gifts. I tend to be a get-required-items-then-skedaddle shopper. Kate and I stopped to look, to see, to celebrate, to talk over hot chocolate while Grandpa and Kate’s little sister, Rebe, had the chance to swim at the YMCA.

Kate wanted to help Grandma catch up. I feel honored.

The sink looks like it has taken over for a commercial chain of restaurants. Kate and I also made pumpkin bread. The stainless steel appears to be bleeding, in orange.

Then when Rebe comes back with Grandpa she decides she wants to bake, too. She doesn’t want to be left out. I agree only if she takes some of the finished products home with her. More food would end up in the freezer than we could give. Contents would need to be stacked like mortared bricks. For the freezer’s system this would be something like trying to breathe inside a basement wall.

And my waist line doesn’t need to hold what the refrigerator can’t.

After all our creations are completed the girls make a tent with blankets and couch cushions. I play with my granddaughters and crawl inside their play environment, too. I grab a plush toy cow and tell them it gives chocolate milk. Kate readily accepts a pretend squirt. Rebe claps her hands over her mouth and says, “I’m lactose intolerant.” She isn’t. But she has definitely inherited her father’s quick wit.

My neck should hurt more than it does. But perhaps laughter heals in unexplained ways. My considerably-past-middle-age years will return, sooner than I want them to appear, long before I see in a mirror the ridges in my neck. Probably sometime during the clean-up. For now I have discovered a great secret of the universe. The light in my granddaughters’ laughter makes me feel whole.

Kate and Rebe, thanks. Just for being the wonderful girls you are.

May  everyone find peace, love, joy, and plenty of laughter during the holiday season.

laughter words to inspire the soul

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