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Posts Tagged ‘death’

Confidence is ignorance. If you’re feeling cocky, it’s because there’s something you don’t know. Eoin Colfer

  DOING RIGHT BY MAMA AND THE LORD

 

In Lime Creek, Kentucky we had rocks for farmland, a truck garden with more weeds than tomatoes, and a cabin set up on stones with copperheads underneath. But the snakes didn’t call us hillbillies like the folk in Ohio did, and me and my brothers and sisters didn’t have a stepmama who’d sooner kick us than share a loaf of five-cent bread.

We had Mama then. She got sick and couldn’t do nothing no more. Didn’t change her being Mama. Not to us. All of us kids took over chores. At four years old I held the metal pan for her to puke in. The blood scared me, but I never dropped the pan.

Then Mama got so skinny she hardly had enough skin to cover her bones. She asked all us kids to gather around her one day before the sun woke up. She told us an angel had come. She was going to heaven. That morning. She said she loved us. We didn’t want to hear it. Mama didn’t talk about loving—she done it. That was enough. We wanted her to stay right there in the cabin with us. Even if TB had stole all her breath and she couldn’t get out of bed no more.

Then Papa, my brothers and sisters, and me moved to Cincinnati in the summer of 1930. I had turned seven by then.  

My big sister, Cloda, talked about heaven, where Mama lived, all the time. She talked about hell, too. Though I can’t say how she knew about either one. Neither Papa nor Mama ever brought us to any kind of church. And Cloda took care of Mama while she was ailing. Cloda never had time for schooling.

Cloda got this notion that she had to take me, my bigger sister Violet, and younger sister Elva to church to learn about God. Soon as we had proper clothes. So, when some folk from school dropped off a box of used stuff on our doorstep, she decided the time had come, a sign from God and a sign from Mama.

“Toy,” Cloda told me as us four girls settled down on our mattress one night, “I don’t want to hear no fussing from you about this. We’re going to honor the Lord and we’re starting this Sunday.”

My sister, Violet, groaned so I guessed Cloda had already told her about it. She leaned on her elbow and stared at us. “When you get your head on something, it sure stays stuck there. A tick don’t hold on the way you do.”

Cloda acted like she didn’t hear her, though in our tiny house, it wasn’t likely words could hide. Our room and mattress fit almost to the walls. Our bed didn’t have a sheet. We had one dingy window that opened to the morning sun, and a wood floor so worn that cleaning it was like trying to wipe the dirt off the top of an old sponge.

 “Good night.” Cloda’s voice gave the notion everything would be okay. Just by setting in something called a pew and listening to a preacher talk.

I doubted it. Even as the dullest and oldest kid in third grade, I knew God took Mama away and didn’t bring her back. I couldn’t get excited about something I didn’t know nothing about. Besides, cracks around the window leaked cold air, and Violet smacked me when I leaned into her.

***

“So, what church we going to?” I asked Cloda that next Sunday as we walked what seemed a awful long way down Amity Road.

 “Church of Eternal Holiness.”

 “The Methodist church on Beech is a lot closer,” Violet said. She was smart and always acted like she had a bee buzzing around her that needed swatting.

 “We can walk. It’ll be good for us. Besides, I like the name, with holiness in it and all.”

 “What kind of church is the one we’re going to?” my little sister, Elva, asked.

 “Don’t know, but a girl I work with at the trunk factory likes it.”

 The church looked more like a old store than a church, no cross on it or nothing. We set down in the back, on this long bench. The room looked plain as a barn. Up front, right in the middle, stood a small, slanted table with one leg holding it up. A man, probably the preacher, leaned into it. He talked soft and down-home at first. I liked the sound of the a’s and o’s I remembered from Kentucky, more like music than in-a-hurry Ohio talk.

“Praise the Lord,” the preacher says. His voice sounded a little high for a man, something like our old neighbor, Homer’s, one of Papa’s drinking buddies.

“Praise the Lord,” the people answered, some loud, some mumbling.

 “Because he tests our faith and finds us worthy.”

 “Amen.”

 “Oh, Lord, test our faith and heal our many sins.” Then he started hollering.

 Elva scooted closer to me. “For the sins of flesh, the sins of pride and envy will condemn you into the eternal flames of hell. Sin against the word of God and forever after your death.” He stopped to look around at folks. “Your arms and legs, your head, body, and entrails will suffer the burning pain that never ends. And your soul!” He said soul like it was a bullet aimed into my chest. “Your soul will suffer forever.

I looked at Violet. She sat stiffer than the bench.

Would God send Mama down to hell?

I tried to think about something else: spending the day with friends, taming trees and eating chunk chocolate. But I couldn’t shut out the screams of the high-talking preacher up front. Folks started moving around, hopping sideways. The “Praise the Lords” and “Amens” around us kept getting louder, like a train coming closer and closer, then jumping the tracks and running us all down. Some folks hollered stuff that wasn’t words I ever heard. Kinda like gargling or baby babble, but a lot scarier.

 “But we will prepare ourselves. Yes, believers, we will prepare ourselves,” the preacher said. “Fast and pray. Pray and fast. Put your faith in God. Next Sunday we will handle serpents without fear. Their poison cannot harm us because our faith is strong.”  The preacher raised his arms up like he was making a Y or reaching for the ceiling.

 What? I tried to sit as still as I could since I couldn’t disappear. All this yelling was bad enough. Copperheads or rattlers? My heinie wasn’t showing up for that.

As soon as the service was over, I ran out the door, Violet and Elva not far behind.  Cloda stopped to shake hands with the preacher.

When we were halfway home Violet said, “Try the Methodist Church next time you get a hankering for religion, Cloda. But I’ll get a book from the library and read next week.”

“Get one for me too,” Elva said. “One about animals maybe, but nothing about anything that hisses.”

 “I ain’t gonna take part in no snake handling,” Cloda said.  “But it might not be a bad idea to come again a time or two and see about maybe settling in.”

 “That girl from the trunk factory, the one who told you about Church of Eternal Holiness?” Violet said.  “I hate to say this, Cloda, but she’s as crazy as a chicken visiting a fox den.”

I didn’t say it out loud, but I kind of wondered about my big sister too.“Tell you what,” I said. “If you try the Methodist Church on Beech Street, I’ll go with you. Besides, I heard they got some pretty good cake bakers over there. And the preacher’s sweet as fresh peaches.”

 “Well, guess I could think on that, Toy.” Cloda stopped walking and looked at me like I brought up a whole new idea.

 Violet rolled her eyes.

I didn’t know nothing about the church on Beech. I made it all up. And I didn’t sit still that good in school, so an extra hour in church didn’t sound like such a great idea. But you just got to help your family sometimes.

“Toy, are you out of your mind?” Elva asked kicking a pebble back into the gravel road.

“Probably.”

“Okay. Okay. I’ll read my book after we get back,” Elva said.

“You aren’t leaving me at home with wicked stepmother,” Violet shrieked.

Cloda smiled like she’d just won a blue ribbon.

We didn’t follow through as good as we could have. After the first time or two, we couldn’t be counted on to listen to a preacher who didn’t have no Kentucky sweetness in his voice. But, Violet, Elva, and me remember that day we saved our big sister from seeing Mama way too soon because she wandered into a rattlesnake pit.

We reckon Mama would be proud of us. Though Mama was proud of us, even when we didn’t do nothing special at all.

originally published in Pine Mountain Sand & Gravel No. 17, Theme: Tricksters, Truthtellers, and Lost Souls

 

 

 

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"The wound is the place where the Light enters you."Rumi


At A Nature Preserve, January 2012  
The Year Before Dad Died

January opens a sliver of warmth
as my husband and I
traipse through fresh mud,
past wadded-leaf squirrel nests, and
over discarded acorn tops.
My boots collect clumps of
soil in their ridges. When the trail
widens I slide my grimy soles
over loose gravel,
 and beg it to remove the soil.

What I really want is to cover
my father with more than
a thin, white institutional blanket
as he lies a few miles away
in his narrow nursing home bed,
even though I know in minutes
he will thrash about, the blanket tossed aside,
as if it were tissue paper that could be 
blown across this lake with a single breath,
his thin arms and legs exposed.

They didn’t take off my stockings last night,
he told me. And yet his nurse claimed 
he’d been confused.
I responded that he may not recall detail,
but he recognizes pain.

I wanted to say,
Can’t you see beyond the stroke,
the tremors, the uncertainty,
and age? Can’t you see the man?

The words blew away, 
more quickly than bitter winds
scatter October’s leaves.

I speak now to the stark brown 
outline of trees 
until I discover the blue above them,
the same brightness that celebrated August
with strips of white spanning the sky
before the goldfinch dulled his feathers,
when the hummingbird’s wings rarely paused,
and tomorrow was only a word.      
 
I allow the spirit of the Preserve
to open the way
to beauty
present even now
in winter chill,
in touching pain,
in healing the deepest hurts.




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“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.” — Robert Brault

 

 

FINAL APOLOGY

 

Dear Helen,

            I’m sorry. Three syllables, like tiny drops of water offering to renew a desert. I’ll whisper them to Lyle during his funeral. Tomorrow. Even if it is too late.

            Remember how Lyle always was a tad different? Borrowed Mom’s lipstick when he was five and painted his lips instead of the wall. Mom didn’t understand. She couldn’t understand anyone. Her actions mimicked the uneven beige wallpaper flowers in our attic storage room. Not only bland. Disconnected. Didn’t matter what anybody did. When Lyle’s report cards dropped from A’s to failing in middle school, she reacted the same way. Numbed on antipsychotics. Better than when she wasn’t.

            Then Dad left and took Lyle with him. Good move. At least he graduated. Got a commercial art degree and a good job until his boss found out. You know. About how he was different. Downhill developed into an avalanche after that.

            You managed the falls, like always. You were there for him.

            Lyle called you from Michigan. Often. You told the latest Mom-sitting-on-the-porch-naked stories and sent him exotic pears. Shared hair dye secrets.

           No surprise when Mom died in the expensive facility. Just before her sixtieth birthday. And the cash ran out.

           You got busier. And busier. Took on more work than anyone else on the sales team.

           When Lyle called and said he needed to talk, you were working on contracts. Two at the same time. You told him you’d call him later. He swallowed so hard you heard it. In the noisy office with rock music in the background. In desperate memory now.

           Then came the call from Dad. The note. The details…

           I can’t write any more now. Later. Maybe. Can’t sign a letter written to me. When I’m ready to step past the fact that Helen could have stopped her brother’s suicide and didn’t.

           And forgive her—forgive me…forgive me… Tell me about how I held up the mountain before it fell. One more time.

 

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park bench

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ― Lao Tzu

ONE MORE DAY IN THE PARK WITH INGRID

Mick:

“Ingrid, come sit next to me. I brought that blue jacket you gave me to sit on. Not that you need physical comfort. I want something you’ve touched, even if a breeze is more solid.”

My wife died five years ago.

I pat the plush lining and wait. My wife won’t take long to arrive. The veil between this world and the other side has been thin lately.

About a week ago she appeared in an early morning lucid dream as the young Ingrid. Even asleep I remained wobbly and weak. We walked hand-in-hand through this same park. I knew that everything I saw and touched would disappear when I opened my eyes.  Even so, all the subtleties of nature emerged as we traveled familiar passageways. I saw details in each rock, blade of grass, hill, and squirrel.

Ingrid told me that direct contact with the deceased happens only under special circumstances. I asked her how we qualified, but she told me I would find out later. “Just relax and enjoy.”

When I woke up, she was sitting on the edge of my bed. She comes and goes now. All I need to do is call her—no phone is necessary. I have enough sense not to blab about Ingrid’s visits. Recovering from toxic chemotherapy drugs is bad enough. I don’t need my daughter to worry that I need psych meds, too.

Within about thirty seconds my wife emerges next to me. Slowly. Similar to the way fog comes up from the horizon. But with a lot more warmth. At first, she seems as transparent as air. Her features surface. Young. Beautiful. The way she looked when we first met.

She places her hand on my arm. “Okay, dear, what’s on your mind?”

“Jan told me I could use some Vitamin D from the sun. That’s why I’m out here today while she and the kids hike down to the lake. As if I’d miss the chance. She doesn’t know I heard her talk to Les on the phone last night. He can’t babysit me today. Got a new client coming in. True, I have the hearing of the old dog I am. But Jan’s voice doesn’t need a loudspeaker when she gets excited. Seems lately our daughter has the disposition of a ticking time bomb.”

“I’d say she is upset, and her attitude is more about her than about you.”

I’d say it’s not easy taking care of your father when he’s recovering from chemo. Not easy at all. Sure glad that the final session’s over! Last treatment forever.”

Her hands have lost all their thick arthritic lumps now that she’s in a spiritual state. Her hands are small, delicate, and gentle again. She runs them over my head, mostly bald, with a few sparse patches of dull, almost colorless hair.

 “Ah, Mick! Jan’s not ready for a halo, but I wouldn’t jump to conclusions. Yet anyway. Tell you what. I’ll follow her for a while. Find out what’s going on and let you know. Then I’ll get back to you. The grandkids have been knocked down by your illness. They don’t understand what happened, or why Grandpa doesn’t have the energy to joke with them anymore. But you know you can count on me. We’ll talk tonight. In your dreams.”

Ingrid’s kiss on my forehead could be a warm, gentle breeze.

 I sigh as I hear the kids run ahead of their mom up the trail. Much faster than they would have if I were with them. They don’t know I’d feel just as sick at home. At least in the park, the sun casts incredible shadows through the tree branches. The birds sing an avian kind of harmony. The sky is never the same color longer than a few hours. It darkens or lightens, blends in with the clouds or not. A hint of silver has lined a cluster toward the west. Like the gray in the few clumps of my hair that refused to fall out. Maybe I have a stubborn streak. I have always worn my hair short as a hyphen, so I didn’t need to shave my head.

Change arrives slowly. Although Ingrid says the word that I’m searching for is transformation. Sure, I’m glad my wife broke through the impenetrable barrier from the other side. But I’d take the wrinkled-but-solid Ingrid to the see-through-yet-perfect version any day.  

Ingrid:

I watch and listen to Mick’s family as they pretend to be aware of what they are doing. Les has brought work home. He shuffles papers like a deck of cards and stares at his computer. “What do we do about your dad? Should we just, I don’t know…” He spit-whispers into the computer screen.

Jan leans her behind into the refrigerator and turns her body into an awkward V. From the look on her face, I’m guessing she wants the stretch to pull out all her anxiety.

“I could scream,” she says. “I won’t. Even though Dad isn’t listening in. He’s heavily medicated and sound asleep for the night. The kids are out for the count, too. It is a school night.

I hover over the kitchen table, one of the benefits of the afterlife.

“I talked to Dad’s doctor,” Jan continues. “No doubt about it. He hasn’t got much chance. A heavier course of chemo could give him a few more months. Tops.”

 “So why hasn’t the oncologist told your dad?”

“That doctor has professional knowledge. Yes. But he has the bedside manner of a debt collector. I told him I would give Dad the options.” Jan straightens up again. She groans, her hand on her forehead. “Actually, I insisted. Said he could answer Dad’s questions on his next visit.”

“Then?”

“Okay. Then I sort of chickened out.”

“You mean you chickened out. No sort-of about it.”

“Thanks for your support.”

“So, what do you want me to do? I’m a lawyer, not a social worker.”

“You are also my life mate. Come on. Give me an idea.”

“Okay. I’ll stop by after I see my last client tomorrow. We’ll tell him together. Calmly. Let him decide. In the meantime, let your dad know how much you love him. It’s all you can do. Yeah, you’re nervous about the situation. But all he sees is nervousness. He doesn’t know why.”

 Jan drops her head almost to her knees. “Hey for a lawyer that’s not bad advice.”

“Uh, thanks for the backhanded compliment.”

I stop hovering and put one arm around my daughter’s shoulders. She doesn’t know I’m the one comforting her, but after a few sighs she finally says, “Maybe I’m underestimating Dad.”

“More than maybe, sweetheart.”

In a few hours, I will slip into Mick’s dreams. I will break the news about what his children are going to tell him tomorrow. I know my guy. He will allay his family’s fears. Because Mick isn’t afraid. He’s seen me. He knows he will be okay. I will tell him why I broke the bridge between our worlds—because he and I are closer than he knew we were. I slipped through a hairline break between this world and the next one, the designated place where we were meant to meet. When the time came.

When he accepts my invitation, we will be together again. In a few days if he wishes. If he is ready all he will need to do is concentrate on the separation, nothing artificial or traumatic about the transition. In the meantime, perhaps I should set up the scene for his final dream: a sunny day…a park bench…a place where we both can run, laugh, and sing out of tune if we want. It doesn’t matter. Some details look different after passing through the light. But the beauty Mick and I savored will remain the same.       

Always. Always.

illustration created from two personal photos scanned together

story previously published in Piker Press

           

           

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light through trees

“Goodbyes make you think. They make you realize what you’ve had and what you’ve lost, and what you’ve taken for granted.” —Unknown

 

Dear Barb,

 I watch a plane fly low. Only a flash of silver passes across the sky. Sound eludes me. For no reason I understand, I think about you as you flew to a place that we all will know someday. My heart wants the same plane to pass again. I didn’t see enough, even though I have no idea what I missed.

A moment when I could have paid more attention, perhaps. Or, the mockery innate in the plane’s distance. You said you had enough of hurt, pain, and illness. You told us as you entered our car after dialysis that final Saturday, “I had a bad day.” You fought the pain by asking about freshness in our lives. And we took the bait. Just before we left your house, I patted your hand.

You didn’t look up when you said, “Thank you.” Your last words before you entered the hospital.

I was not ready for you to fly. I am not ready to send a letter that won’t be answered.

Help me to understand that love sings without words. Thanks for sharing it with us.

 

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“The truth is I'm getting old, I said. We already are old, she said with a sigh. What happens is that you don't feel it on the inside, but from the outside everybody can see it.” 
― Gabriel García Márquez





Parallel Places
                                                                         
Two men lie parallel
in geri-chairs.
Mesmerized, one
watches the other sleep,
acts as his protector.
When the sleeping man gasps
and coughs, the first
jolts upright. On unsteady feet
he stands, ready 
to save his comrade.

Two aides rush
to settle the first man.
One of them leans forward
and shouts into his ear. 
You fell this morning. Remember?

I did? 
He appears perplexed, then
does as he is told.
On his side, with his
eyes open wide, he watches,
breath timed
with his wheelchair-bound friend,
even though his sleeping comrade
floats unaware in distant dreams.

The sleeping man’s visitors,
a man and a woman,
notice the gentle guard.
They smile and assure
the old gentleman
he can stay where he is.
He nods.
He may hear.
Or not. He continues his
quiet watch.

The sleeping man's visitors talk about
their grandchildren,
vacations, ordinary tasks.
until the summer heat 
breaks into a storm.

The woman rises
to kiss the sleeping
man on his forehead.
His eyes flutter, 
but he doesn't rouse.

She pauses. The space between
real and unreal appears, 
a shore cracking and dividing.
She fears touching a place
that doesn’t promise an exit. 

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Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new. –Ursula K. Le Guin, author (21 Oct 1929-2018)

AUNT MARTY’S MAGIC COINS

My great aunt, Marty Pestil, was a natural at tending to the dead. She got bodies ready for the all-night watch when folk gathered to make sure no bugs, dogs, or ghosts could get to the ripe-for-decaying flesh. I helped my aunt since I didn’t have no other place to go. My aunt took me in when my mama started talking to wallpaper flowers. Papa had walked off before I was born.

 I never got schooling, but not many people did in mountain-tucked Gray Valley, Kentucky during the early 1920’s. We picked up a common-sense kind of learning. Aunt Marty taught me her trade. She said living and dying fit together the way bare-treed winter followed full-blossomed summer.

Almost everybody agreed, but some folk thought Aunt Marty turned the winter dying part into a show.

Men took care of the departed men and boys.  The man who took care of the dead in Gray Valley looked like his grim job. He wagged his finger so hard at my aunt it about blurred his whole arm.

“You act like you was bigger’n God—it just ain’t right. Pretending you can step off into the afterlife with the dead.”

My aunt stared him down. She didn’t argue. “Our job is to open the next world. When the silver coins fall off the eyes of dead folk, their souls got to be ready for the hereafter. Ain’t no more I can say about it.”

He backed off, groaning, like there ain’t no sense talking to a crazy lady. It wasn’t ‘til later I learned he got picked accidental-like to prepare the dead and hated every second of it.

 Aunt Marty said the folks that set themselves for eternal damnation didn’t want to go, and Aunt Marty had to say somebody from the underworld would come for them anyway, so they may as well scat before the rotting set in, and their souls smelled, too. Besides, St. Peter listened to a good story. Usually, they ran for that last chance.

 I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. I got to be known as Lost Lacy. Hank Ross was my only friend. Hank helped my aunt and me with our truck garden. His papa owned the General Store. The Ross family didn’t care that Aunty Marty talked to floating souls.

Sometimes Hank and me would cook together. I thought of him as my connection to the earth and sun, to breathing, to the smell of boiling turnips and hot sliced pork.

“I like when you don’t have your hair pulled so tight on the top of your head like it’s caught in a trap,” Hank said. “Relax once in a while.”

 I shrugged. “It don’t make sense to hoe, pull weeds, or move bodies with hair in the way.”

Besides, I traveled from death to death the way a butterfly goes from flower to flower, especially when typhoid or scarlet fever hit. I guess Aunt Marty and me was lucky we never got no bad sickness. Butterflies get to drink nectar—I touched the cold skin of folk that followed both Beelzebub and St. Michael.

No matter how many times Aunt Marty handed me the magic coins and I rubbed them over my fingertips I never felt nothing special in them. They’d been used to close so many eyes. Everybody thought old Miranda Mill had been best friends with the devil.  She cursed and stole and some folk even say she got away with killing her own husband.

I could have sworn I saw a body twitch as Aunt Marty talked honest to it, even though it was as hard-cold as a middle-of-February icicle.

Eleanor Case, the old schoolmarm, brought extra lunch-bucket food for the kids that didn’t have nothing. If angels ever wanted to borrow a human body, Miss Case is the one they’d use.

Bodies all just looked dead to me.

 Aunt Marty told me I would inherit her gift. I didn’t want it. Maybe the magic coins knew how I felt and that’s why they wouldn’t let me know their secrets.

The strangest experience I had was when Ida Mae’s twin sister, Carrie Mae, died from a seizure caused by a high fever. Ida shook like a thunderstorm had formed inside her and was getting stronger and stronger, until it tore her apart from the inside. Aunt Marty must have noticed, too. Real slow, as if she was trying to soothe an injured bear, she reached over and patted Ida’s arm.

 “I got a message for you. And it’s real important. Your sister says that she would have run out into the cold rain to pick apples even if you hadn’t had a hankering for them. She wanted some, too. And the fever—this is the important part—the fever didn’t have nothing to do with getting soaked through.”

 Ida’s eyes opened about as wide as her face and she choked, “But how do you know about the apples? I never told.”

“Your sister’s telling you she can’t go to her eternal reward until you know her dying ain’t one-bit your fault.”

 Then Ida dropped onto her sister’s body and sobbed. Aunt Marty didn’t stop her until I saw the slightest light, no brighter than a candle flame flicker, pass through Ida and out through the wall.

 “But you didn’t send Carrie’s spirit into heaven,” I whispered to Aunt Marty.

 “It’s okay,” she said. “Ida Mae done it.”

 Ida Mae told her best friend that story. Versions of what happened got spread around the county. My aunt and me turned into either witches or messengers from the Almighty, depending upon the notions of who heard. Some thought we was gods, the kind that shouldn’t be approached ‘til there wasn’t no choice.

I loved my aunt. I would have been an orphan without her. But, the magic coins knew her, not me. Besides, in a month or two I would be sixteen-years-old. And all I saw ahead was more burying.  

“Pick you some happiness if I could,” Hank said one spring day as we searched the woods for some poke for a salad.

So, I told him about how I wanted to do something different than travel from one pine box to another. “I wouldn’t mind rendering hog fat over a hot stove all day, if I could work for the living.”

“How about you and me getting married?”

“Ain’t never thought about it.” I looked at the basket of fresh-picked poke, good-for-you in early spring. Poison later in the season.   

“I’m mighty crazy about you, and I think we can work together. Maybe even create living folk.” He turned red as a over-ripe tomato.

Hank made sense. Marrying him could change my life. A lot. “Think we should tell Aunt Marty together?”

He looked at me like I was a tadpole that turned into a full-growed frog fast as ice melts in a hot pot. “Should we tell her right now?”

“Yup. No point in waiting. She’d figure us out anyway.”

 “Then I think it’s time you knew the secret.” He put his arm around my shoulder. “How do you think Aunt Marty makes them coins magic?”

“I figured she had some kind of special power over them. They don’t look no different.”

“She learned how from my papa. It’s a business we do most folk don’t know about.” He sat on a huge rock at the edge of the trail. “True, you seen these coins when they been put on the eyes of folk to keep them closed, when the time’s come to look inside and see the whole of themselves. Just before they open before eternity. You don’t know how the magic forms before that happens.

 “The magic comes from inside a person. You’ve got to care about what you’re doing. A lot. And keep caring All the time. But that ain’t how it ends.”

Hank pulled a coin from his pocket, like the ones Aunt Marty used. Then I put the poke on the rock and let Hank drop the coin into my hand. It warmed immediately. I suddenly felt drawn to Hank’s eyes. Strange how I’d never seen them the same way before. His eyes was the color of a lake at noon when the sun shines. I noticed how his smile seemed to come straight from his soul.

When Hank and I walked into Aunt Marty’s cabin, my aunt wasn’t in her cane rocker, like usual. She lay in bed, her face white as a bleached sheet.

“Ah, you are both here,” she said as if her voice came from far away.

I took her hand, cold as snow.

“Good, you have found your path. I feel it.” She whispered, but her smile filled her face. “One last request. Lacy, you will send me on to my eternal reward. Then you and Hank will live in this house together. Promise?”

We both nodded. Aunt Marty’s body shook once and then remained still. We got her lying as peaceful as if she was taking an afternoon nap. Then I dropped an aspirin in a bowl of soda water and wiped her face. Hank waited outside the door while I done the full washing.

When I placed the coins over her eyes to keep them closed, the coins told me what to do. I called to Hank to stand by my side. A wavering light appeared.

“Follow the light. Your mama is waiting.”

The brightness turned around and came back into me.

Hank grabbed my hand and the light jumped into him, too. When I looked at our arms I saw the fresh skin of our youth turn the same sun-gold, and I realized we’d been given power.

We used our magic in the truck garden to grow enough vegetables to feed us, the poorer folk in town, and the young’uns in the orphanage in the valley.

Ida Mae took over for Aunt Marty, and when she got married her husband led the men to their destiny. They knew the secret of the coins, but they didn’t talk out loud to spirits like Aunt Marty did.  They talked to them silently, soul to soul.

The magic coins never made our lives perfect, but they made us rich in a peculiar kind of way. As of this telling, Hank and me have been married sixty years. We had five girls and four boys, and each one of our kids had two or three young’uns, and they ain’t stopped growing the family. Our sons and daughters all know how the coins work. They continue to make better whoever they touch, so that nobody knows where the goodness starts or ends.

I think that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Something called love.

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That’s the secret, love. It’s not about finding what you’re searching for…it’s about valuing what you find. (Reed Logan Westgate, The Infernal Games)

Time. I find so little of it lately. And yet, this poem, written four years ago, hits me as if I’d written it yesterday.

GENE’S WORDS—AT HIS OWN FUNERAL

My death started in January
when bare branches caressed snow
cold as my body.

My friend, the gentle priest,
stood at one end of the casket
and asked if he blessed my head or feet.

He didn’t know I laughed, hearing him
from the gnarled branches of a nearby tree,
where a bright, red cardinal and I

waited to fly together into new,
exciting places I would never be able
to explain to those left behind.

The priest had commented on my raucous
sense of humor. He paused, memory or imagination
filling in the blanks. Church space remained

reverent. Stifled laughs warmed my spirit, the chill 
of my body left behind. My eulogist spoke
about schizophrenia, paranoia. I carried 
 
the burden and pain. My friend said I 
was not my diagnosis. He mentioned
common moments. Coffee, killer cigarettes, picnics,

my volatile, unstable movements
as if they had been claps of thunder
during a hymn. Something that happens,

and can be embraced as part of a larger whole.
A woman reached one arm around her husband.
Their son held his infant daughter. I carried

the baby’s father as an infant. My cardinal 
companion flew upward. I followed.
A voice came from a light breaking through

the winter gray.  Your fear has been buried.
Come. I had never heard the voice.
Yet, I knew death had ended, a new life begun.

pic made from public domain photo and pastels

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Life does exist. It’s the purpose that counts. (Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut)

Me: What is wrong with you? Ten minutes ago, you turned bacon into the crisp treat my granddaughter loves. Now you have the power of a second-hand toy microwave, the kind with parts that aren’t made anymore.

Microwave: You really want to know.

Me: Yes, I really want to know. STAT. I have guests for brunch.

Microwave: STAT. That stands for Some Time After Therapy. Extensive treatment. You warmed that coffee long enough to mimic molten lava. Did you really think that would coax me into action? If I suddenly rose from the dead, whose tongue were you trying to burn?

Me: Okay. Okay. I was desperate. Wait a minute. You are dead?

Microwave: Not completely. You need to pull my plug.

Me: Literally.

Microwave: Yes. I’m an appliance. You don’t pay for my healthcare. Electricity was all I needed. And an occasional cleaning. I can deal with a garbage-pickup burial. I wish you warm leftovers with no spillovers. May my replacement last as long as I have.

Me: Your timing stinks, you know.

Microwave: And you think you will be planning your demise?

Me: You’re mighty clever for an appliance. No. I don’t think I will jump into a casket on purpose.

Microwave: Well, your son has taken over the stove. Quite well. He’s not staring at a dying appliance for help. Time to face facts, human. You are mighty lucky to have something like me. Gratitude? Yeah. For what you have. For what you can do. Your son is calling you now. Your meal is ready. Celebrate. I’ll wave at you from the curb on pickup day. Well, I’ll wave metaphorically.

And by the way, nothing is wrong with me. Not in the larger scheme of things. You don’t blame a battery for wearing out. Or a day from turning into night. I did what I was meant to do.

Now, you do the same.

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Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings. (William Arthur Ward)

A friend died. Minutes before I leave for my book signing, his wife asks my husband to be one of the pallbearers. Grief and relief take turns in my heart. This man’s suffering has been unbearable to watch much less endure.

Sun replaces yesterday’s rain. Both belong to nature. Necessary to life’s balance.

My simple camera can’t photograph intense sun. It translates bright rays into the red light that shines through closed eyelids. I recognize my limitations and know I am neither imperfection nor success. There are more roads to explore, continued opportunities to give and forgive, moments to live and celebrate.

Thanksgiving, the official national holiday, appears this week. I pray to be more than pumpkin pie and a stack of dishes in the sink. These memories fade into previous years like dreams lost before waking. As I get older, I notice life sends more intense challenges—with incredible blessings attached. I pray to stay longer with the blessings than the pain.

Peace to all.

 

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